Almost Everything Read online

  Day 51- Get a tattoo

  The incessant buzzing was the worst part, so much worse than the actual pain; I looked over and mouthed to Ian “is it almost done”. I saw a nod and closed my eyes, breathing in and out through what was left of the pain. He could have been lying for all I knew because looking down at the needles piercing into my wrist was not an option, but focusing on not throwing up was. When people tell you it’s easy and not that bad, they are lying. Assuming that as the only truth you’ll find with tattoos. I don’t care if they have three or their body is full.

  “Alright looks like we’re done.” The tattoo artist put his gun down and wiped my wrist for what seemed like the millionth time. Okay so it’s not a walk in the park but it’s not that bad either. Someone said when it’s done I’ll be addicted to them. Not sure if that’s what happens but I’m also unsure of why or how people get addicted to putting their bodies in pain for really no reason but person pleasure. If that’s the case, their idea of pleasure needs to be altered. When it’s done I’ll be happy and I’ll be able to cross one thing off my list.

  I didn’t want to look down but at the same time I did. I wanted something close to me that was a constant reminder of him and everything good. There it was shiny, black and everything I’d wanted.

  Jackson

  “What do you think?” I had to stop for a minute. What did I think?

  My mind spun in a million directions. Would I regret this? Was this the best decision? What would Jackson’s mother think? At that moment Ian began to smile and I stop and thought who the hell cares.

  “I love it, thank you.” I looked between Ian and the tattoo and listen to all the aftercare information. When I was certain I knew what to do it was my turn to hold Ian’s hand. He had loved the idea and wanted Jackson’s name on his shoulder. Something to do with always having each other’s backs, who was I to judge. As I sat there and he didn’t flinch, apparently men are immune to all pain; I kept looking down and smiling knowing that it was a permanent part of me.

  I sat there starring. When you’re a child shinny things catch your eye and you can’t help but be distracted by it. That is exactly what this feels like. Every time you become enthralled in an activity, you’ll do something and then BAM some kind of foreign ink on your body. People also don’t remember to mention how bloody itchy this thing is. Oh yah, step one is don’t itch. Ever had a mosquito bite that got scratched by accident? Multiply that by ten thousand and you try not to itch that. All in all it’s an interesting thing and you certainly don’t get used to in five minutes. You begin to think that this is permanently inked on your skin. No amount of tanning or make up makes it go away. No matter what you do, it’s still there. It’s like love. Real true love is always there no matter what happened and as a tear dropped from my eye I knew that this was the right thing.

  Another half an hour and we were done. “When you said bucket list, I didn’t know how crazy we would get. What’s next?”

  “Settle down, it’s a one item a day kind of gig and I’ll let you know what you can and can’t help me with. These are all things we wanted to do together and somewhat private. Now back home because this thing is starting to get gross and I can’t wait to wash this.”

  I sat down after washing what can only be described as something grotesque and began to write down the things that I wanted to do.

  1. Travel to France (we said we were going to do this so I am)

  2. Go scuba diving/snorkeling and experience sea life up close

  3. Go skiing

  4. Learn to play chess (we’ll get better at it because you always won)

  5. Let someone know how much they mean to me (everyday because clearly life’s too short)

  6. Give a heartfelt surprise to someone

  7. Make a difference in someone’s life

  8. Sing to an audience

  9. Befriend a stranger

  10. Dance barefoot in the rain

  11. Get a complete makeover (it just sounds like fun)

  12. Learn wine etiquette

  13. Pack my bags and set off for a random place with no itinerary

  14. Get a tattoo (CHECK)

  15. Read a book on a subject I don’t know about and never thought about learning

  16. Gain enlightenment

  17. Perform a “My Fair Lady” song

  18. Visit an art museum and listen to the audio tour

  19. Pay it forward

  20. Love again

  Getting this tattoo has made me think of all kinds of things. How much of my day is spent making decisions, it was kind of nice to just go out and do something spontaneous. Going to work every day I’m bombarded with a million questions and decisions that need to be made right away. Kind of reminds me of the whole “bargaining” stage in this grieving shit. Which I don’t really know if I’m in but hey let’s go with it. When I stopped and made my list of things to do, I found myself arguing over what is important and what wasn’t. I stopped because the point of the list isn’t to be arguing with yourself the point of the list, the point is to do things you might not do without incentive.

  I’ve looked up this bargaining stage and there’s a lot of information. So many articles suggesting that asking for one thing and in return not doing something else. To me, it’s not making much sense. It’s a bit too late for me to ask that my husband doesn’t die and I’ll eat right. Who actually believes in this stuff? I mean I understand the give and take thing but I’m not sure that this stage really applies to me. Although all the “ifs” part of bargaining I get. If I could add all of my “what if’s” I think I could fill a couple swimming pools. I did read something helpful, that people don’t necessarily feel each stage in a linear pattern. That you can flow through each stage and have them at the same time as well.

  Maybe if Jackson wouldn’t have been late with a client that day, that car wouldn’t have hit him. Maybe if they would’ve been a lot later in their meetings he could still be there. Maybe if we called in sick like he joked that morning he would be here. I figure I could go on and on but what is that going to do besides make me feel awful and want to crawl into a hole. Somehow it sounds to me like I’m in some part responsible or that client is somehow responsible.

  I know that people are asking me to do things as a way of getting me out of the house and trying to make me move on, and this list is probably a way of doing that as well but I’m not sure it’s going to work. I keep going back and forth on the list trying to decide what is easier, or what should be next or if there really should be a specific order to any of this. I’m hoping that someone will end up helping me with the list, what am I saying I’m not doing any of it without Lindsay and Ian or some form of the two of them.

  You’d be foolish if you stayed here now,

  Maybe if you leave we can work it out,

  Cause I know the city only breaks you down,

  And it gets you lonely

  -Michael Grubbs, “Almost Everything”

  Day 70

  Anyone ever tell you that starting over sucks, trying new things sucks and pretty much everything sucks? Did I accomplish things on the list, yes. Sometimes it was easy and sometimes it wasn’t. I “paid” it forward buying the person behind me coffee. It seemed the easy was to get something accomplished without a lot of emotion to it. I wondered around the Art institute in Chicago. I’d been there before but the audio tour was again was something else easy but it turned out that I enjoyed myself more than I thought. I wrote a few letters letting some old friends I was thinking of them and that was easy- don’t judge me but I basically copied and pasted. Hey it’s off the list, and maybe my conscious will kick me in the ass later. Could karma really be more cruel? Can’t say that I went to France yet, started looking into scuba diving, or leaned to play chess-who the hell thought that was a good idea.

  I can’t figure out who is more important to surprise because Lindsay and Ian are equally important to me. I did complete the wine etiquette with Lindsay and Ian
bought me a book on some kind of home improvement thing, plumbing I think, having a hard time with that one but I’ve done quite a few things, so naturally you’d think I’d be happy or feel accomplished. You guessed it, nope.

  Sometimes I have moments that feel like that but there’s nothing worse than getting excited and having something remind you of your reality then things just start crashing down. You guys know, that feeling of thinking something’s going well then, bam out of nowhere sideswiped by a truck and jokes on you for thinking you might be happy. Its great right, everyone is thinking the same thing- WORST THING EVER, which will ultimately rule that damn number 20 right off the list.

  Sometimes I look at that tattoo and think I’ll move on and then there are times where I sit and look and cry- good to keep the balance. Being toyed around is something that us ladies have been prone to our whole lives. I wish there was a way I could help younger girls from going through this whole thing. I’d try and start with second guessing everything and making sure to throw yourself into frenzy when the boy you like doesn’t text you back right away. I’m pretty sure that it’s been ingrained in us since we were young and no one has done or said anything to make that part of us any better. Sure people can talk about self esteem and self worth but no one tells us what is “appropriate” in heart break or situations that you aren’t sure how to handle. You can talk to your friends or your family but no one can make a decision for you which brings on the anger. I wish that sometimes people would just say, “hey it’s okay to be bummed, upset, and frustrated” and it doesn’t make you crazy or less of a person. It just makes you human and relatable to everyone else. Why does everyone say the same thing “his loss” and “don’t worry there’s something wrong with him. “You can do better” and “you’ll find someone else.” Yah that’s what you want to hear seven minutes after someone breaks up with you; because that’s what you’re thinking about.

  Sometimes thinking about all this stuff makes my head hurt, anyone else feel the same? Occasionally I think that it would be easier to pack up everything and start fresh somewhere else. New back story- less depressing of course- new friends and activities, wouldn’t that just be amazing? Then I remember I love living where I do, I couldn’t dream of completing any other job and I certainly wouldn’t want to leave the only support system I know behind. Being jealous of those who can, and living vicariously through them is a great way to either get more depressed or feel better about your own struggles. I’ll get better eventually but it still sucks. Sometimes you need to be okay with yourself and your lifestyle to let any happiness or anything good happen to you.

  Day 90

  Well it’s been awhile but I have accomplished a few more things. Lindsay and I decided to get crazy make over’s, ended up really drunk and ran around dancing in the rain. Yep ended just like you thought- crazy sick for days! It was worth it none the less. I even got a red wig and the most ridiculous make up any one had ever seen. Ladies if you look at September issue (you know what I’m talking about) you know that the make up in there is specifically for them and not really anyone else. I looked like a cross between a circus act and a really bad cartoon, thank goodness for the rain and the fact that there aren’t any photographs. I finally finished the plumbing book and I’ve decided next time I make one of these I might just make them more specific. Plumbing is not an interest and trying to do something on your own stinks! The three of us are going skiing next weekend, god help me there. But it sounded like fun at the time and who knows what will happen. I have however decided to stop the list for the time being and get back to real life. I’m going to put this journal away because it’s become another way I think I can talk to you and that’s not good for me, plus I think I’m board line crazy.

  “Anna, you ready?” I could hear Lindsay calling from the hall and was startled by the sound of someone else in the house. It’s not like I thought I was getting robbed but I’m pretty used to the silence. Thankfully Lindsay was here to bring me out of the house. Yes we go out but sometimes I get into a rut. Work, sleep, sometimes eat, and repeat, which isn’t good apparently.

  “Yep, on my way,” I turned around to shut the journal and Ian was standing behind be grabbing the bags that were left on the bed.

  “We are going skiing, what the hell are you bringing?” He looked at me like I had over packed three bags is totally normal right?

  “Nothing that isn’t completely necessary. Plus everyone knows that I’m going to be terrible at this so I brought some stuff from work with me while I’m cozy in the lodge and you two are out freezing your asses off.” I patted him on the back and ran downstairs.

  “Alright I’m ready, let’s go. Meet you in the car Ian,” Lindsay called as she grabbed her one small bag, maybe I did over pack. Oh well, you have to be prepared.

  Our car ride seemed to fly by. Turns out talking to real people makes things go faster than you anticipated. You know when you live alone, you get weird. We had a great weekend, attempted to ski, which I was actually not that bad at. I did get a ton of work done, a great bonus, and we completed the last bucket item list for awhile.

  Conversations flew about heading to France or packing and going somewhere crazy but I wasn’t ready for any of that yet and when I was, I knew who to call. For the first time in a very long time I was actually feeling good and wanting to find some of my normal activities back. I joined a new gym when we got back, I couldn’t handle the thought of being where we met. I actually went shopping without someone dragging me around, big right! I went out on a few coffee and dinner dates with colleges and some of the friends that I had written to.

  As I sat thinking over the weekend that just passed, the door bell rang and I yelled for Lindsay or Ian to come in but they didn’t. I hadn’t been expecting anyone,

  “Hello,” I asked before turning the door knob. Standing on the other side was someone that I never thought I’d see again.

  “Hi darling, I thought I’d stop by and say hello. I was in the neighbourhood and missing you and well here I am.” I stopped for a moment and figured that the last time we talked would’ve been it. I was dumbfounded. I really didn’t think we had anything left in common.

  “Grace, it’s so good to see you.” My arms flew around her without thinking and we both started crying.

  “Come in, I’m sorry I’m just getting home from a weekend trip and thought that Ian or Lindsay had forgotten something here. Sit. Would you like some tea?” I frantically began throwing things under other things, I’ll get to that later and making sure that the house looked semi presentable. Thank god for my inability to leave anything a mess.

  “Sure but sit and talk with me. Don’t worry about the house,” she said taking my hand in hers and walking over to the kitchen.

  I threw the kettle on and waited to hear the roar of steam hurling from its top. We talked for hours about everything. Missing Jackson, things I had been doing to get better. Things she was doing to get better. We talked about the ski trip, my jobs, getting back to habits and although I tried my best to hide the black ink that lay across my wrist, she saw the tattoo and loved the idea. We chatted about the family, and how they wanted to see me. We even made a date to see everyone but only on my terms. Before we knew it almost 6 hours had gone by and we both needed to eat.

  “Let me order something in, unless you need to go.” I grabbed the phoned and walked back to the table.

  “You know I probably should go. You are probably tired and need to rest before going back to work tomorrow but it was so good to see you,” she said pulling me in for a much needed hug.

  “Please don’t be a stranger,” I managed to whisper out of the tears starting to stream down my face.

  “I won’t and I’m so glad to see how well you are doing. Jackson would’ve wanted you to try and get back to normal.” We just looked at each other for a minute, both happy to have seen each other but broken from the heart break that seeps in through our visits. Although I wanted to see her, if it is this
hard every time I can’t bare the pain.

  “Let me know about seeing the family,” she said as she shut the door behind her. I thought that I had done well as I walked up the stairs and turned the shower on to wash off the day and get ready for the morning.

  Part Four:

  Depression

  See how it feels bad now but it’s gonna get better,

  See how it feels bad now but it’s gonna get better,

  See how it feels bad now but it’s gonna get better,

  Someday...

  -Michael Grubbs, “Almost Everything”

  I just sat there, in the shower with the lights off and the water pounding my body. I had gotten in and turn the water as hot as I could, hoping I’d feel something, pain, sorrow, anything but nothing happened as the water scolded my body and eventually turned to small icicles but fortunately I didn’t feel anything. I couldn’t feel anything. I just sat there soaked in water not thinking or feeling. I don’t know if it was because I didn’t want to or I couldn’t. I thought about the mistakes that I had made and the things in my life that I couldn’t take back. I wondered if the saying about everything I did lead me to where I was held any truth. If it did then how many things I could have done wrong. I never felt like I had made that many huge mistakes or at least it didn’t seem like it at the time. Memories faded into nothing, feelings of any kid really didn’t mean much and I wasn’t sure what my first move was supposed to be.