Almost Everything Read online

  “I want you to promise to keep moving forward with Lindsay and Ian. They’re both great for you, and you’re doing incredible you really are.”

  I was still stunned. I had seen him the first time and this time I could hear him and feel a warm presence that I couldn’t explain it and I didn’t have to. No one could feel like this and I certainly couldn’t explain it without sounding insane.

  “I miss you.” I choked out.

  “I know, I miss you like crazy, this isn’t fair but I can’t say being able to talk to you does help.”All I could do is just smile, it did help but sometimes it sucked.

  “I try not to do this because it’s amazing and sucky all at the same time.”

  “I know and its okay. I don’t know how much longer I can do this either, I should leave you alone to live your life, but I just want to keep watch on you for a bit longer if that’s okay.”

  Tears welled up and came pouring out.

  “Anna, please don’t feel like you’re cheating on me, or that you’re moving too fast, or that you feel guilty for being happy. Please believe nothing would make me happier than for you to be happy again, whenever that happens.”

  “Of course it is. Jackson I…”

  “I know baby. I promise you will be okay, I’m proud that you’re cleaning out the house, and getting out and certainly that you’re cooking again because you are seriously good at it. I don’t want you to live in fear though. I want you to live through the emotions and don’t be afraid of them. Just be them. I have to go and you need to cook before Ian freaks that you ran away or something. I love you and remember, just close your eyes and ask for me. I’ll be here.”

  I opened my eyes, dried my face off and headed back into the house. I think that’s just about what I needed right now and I think it’s a good idea to call Lindsay over for dinner, because although Jackson said I should move on, I’m just not sure what I should and shouldn’t be doing here, no one really gives you a timeline for this type of thing.

  I know you wanna stay in bed,

  But it’s light outside, It’s light outside.

  So know I’m gonna stay here,

  because you saved my life once.

  -Michael Grubbs, “Light Outside”

  “Jackson what are we doing, I can’t see anything. I don’t want to fall,” I was able to get out between laughing hysterically and worrying about tripping over something. He had his hands over my eyes so I couldn’t see and something about that made me uneasy.

  “Would you relax and trust me. It’s not like I’m kidnapping you, you’re my wife.” I just smiled and nodded, it has to be my favourite new phrase, his wife, yup definitely had the best ring to it ever!

  “Yah okay how much longer?” I said pretending to get ready to run away from him, he could feel it though. Jackson was always so much faster than me.

  “First off, we are here and second do you really think you can run away from me? Please. Okay, open them.” I stopped laughing immediately and opened my eyes waiting for them to adjust to the light outside. He had covered them for so long that it took a minute of blinking before I could see what was happening in front of me.

  “I know that you didn’t want to do much today and I normally wouldn’t have complained by it’s beautiful out here and I know you wanted to make a garden so...” Before he could finish his though, my lips were on his, crashing together. He was literally the best husband ever and keeping my hands off him for this long was killing me. Let’s just say things couldn’t have been any better.

  “Oh wow, yep this was a great idea, so hubby where do we start?” He just laughed at me as I elbowed him in the side and started running towards the dirt he had dug up in a perfect rectangle and all the tools and things we needed lay out near it.

  He took off running after me before letting me tackle him back down to ground.

  That afternoon was perfect, and I’m not sure what made me think about it today, maybe it was the weather, or seeing it from the window as I had gotten up. It was over grown and basically destroyed and for one moment my heart hurt at the sight of it. Not because it reminded me of Ian, which it did, but because I should’ve taken better care of it, and that was what today’s mission was going to be. It was beautiful outside again, similar to that day only 7 months ago. It had been 50 days, 6 hours and 32 minutes since my life fell apart but this memory was saving my day and might have saved my life the day we created it, I just didn’t know it yet.

  I walked back downstairs and went to see if Ian was awake. Lindsay had come over but hadn’t stayed last night. I didn’t need her to stay but after a long day, I wanted to thank both her and Ian for actually saving my life. They had done so much for me and it was something I would never have been able to repay them for. Like usual Ian was up working on something and as he heard my feet creek on the floorboard he turned around.

  “Hey, how’d you sleep?” He said looking like he actually rested last night.

  “Great actually and today I’ve come up with another mission for us, if you’re up for it and certainly whenever you’re done working.” I started to leave but he had stopped me before I could. I hadn’t been a fan of this whole hugging thing, while besides with Jackson, but every time Ian hugged me, as friendly as it was, it had melted away just a small piece of my walls and I was starting to feel happy about it.

  “Okay, wow I’m super proud of you. I knew that it would take a little bit of time but the progress you’ve made is incredible. I’m done working anyway just doing some random stuff waiting to see what we were up to today, so what are we doing.”

  He was so sweet and gentle, but certainly the only reason I was function. “Your adorable and thank you. I’m actually feeling pretty good today. It’s beautiful outside and 7 months ago Jackson and I made that garden,” I pointed outside, “Well what’s now become a large pile of weeds and it actually made me sad that it’s turned out like this. He was so excited that day and I was to so if you don’t mind some manual labor, I would really like if we could start working on it today.”

  Ian smiled at me and nodded. “Of course, let’s go out there and see what it looks like before we make a plan and go get what we need. You know we are going to have to go shopping right?” the way he looked at me was so concerned, yep he knew how bad my aversion to shopping had become.

  “Yup and I’m almost half ready for it.”

  “Wow, alright, let’s go see what it looks like.”

  The real test was ahead of me and walking outside the house into that area, the last few times I was out there so was Jackson. My reality was what it was and at some point or another I was going to have to face things that I was reluctantly hiding from. This was going to be a long and hard day but I’m ready for it.

  As we walked towards the garden I started to cry and Ian stopped, looked at me, and somehow soothed my nerves without saying a word. The look on his face was so soft that I was able to keep going.

  “You know Anna, if you changed your mind it’s okay, we can tackle this another day, it’s enough that you’re already out here.” I had stopped again without even noticing and I just stood there. I knew that if I wanted to stop, that it was too much, it would be okay but today I was determined, but where’s the rule that said determination must be fast and furious?

  “You know Ian I really appreciate that, but its okay. I’m ready.”

  After a couple of hours we had ripped out all the weeds, turned over the dirt and did everything we needed too before we made the list and headed to the store. It was actually a great day and the nervous of going to the store had settled and by the time we actually got there I was okay. Mind you, in and out was the way I would’ve preferred, but with Ian it was okay, we were talking and without saying it, he had made sure that we bought everything. He kept reminding me that all decisions were going to have to me mine. He knew it was important that this be about me and not doing it for someone else. I wanted to fix it, so I did. I never said I didn’t need help but it was
my ideas and my doing that made it happen I just had a little assistance.

  “I really can’t thank you enough,” I looked over at Ian; we had done so much today and I was starting to get both exhausted and hungry. “Why don’t we go in, clean up and I’ll attempt to make dinner again.”

  Ian nodded, finished what he was doing and followed me into the house a little later. It was a comfortable day and I felt so accomplished and not once did I stop to think about going towards the dock, and now that I think about it a slight guilt washed over me.

  I had finished cleaning myself up and started downstairs to begin dinner when I saw Ian come in. There was no denying that he was attractive but with working out in the sun all day, the way his body was dirty without being filthy, the way he walked towards me, the look in his eyes, he was almost too much to handle and certainly not for me, I couldn’t do that ever. First off he was Jackson’s best friends, second his was my saving grace at the moment, and third I had already gotten the chance to be with the love of my life, so I might get to date people down the road but I had my shot and fate killed it. So as I see it, my chance is gone. Yah if you’re doing the math, that’s a lot of years for me, another topic I steered clear of thinking about.

  Ian came down just as I was in the middle of making dinner and instead of sitting down and keeping me company; he grabbed a spoon and started stirring whatever was on the stove. Yah getting distracted by him was that easy. I just shook my head, some other women is actually going to win the lottery with this guy.

  “Anna, this smells amazing, did you need any help?” The ease of him was breathtaking and as he glided across the room, turning on music and helping me without having to say anything reminded me too much of Jackson and I ran out. I started to head to the door to go outside; I decided to stop on the porch. I just sat there trying to calm my tears and my mind. This was too much yet I needed him in the house. What was I supposed to do?

  “Anna!” I could hear him calling my name, if his voice sounded anything like Ian’s I would’ve had to make him leave, thankfully he didn’t. “Anna!” again nothing came out of my voice, I tried to tell him I was out here, and I just couldn’t. “Anna!” I could hear it getting closer making my tears stream harder and faster. “Anna! I was so worried, are you okay?” You could tell he was hesitant, he had hugged me earlier, but he was smart enough to know that it was something he had done that set me off and he kept his distance. I wanted to be hugged, to be consoled, I couldn’t stop what was happening and the tears just started to come.

  This was the first time anyone saw me break down like this. Of course I had cried, after I came out of my numb state. I was alone. When I was on the dock with Jackson, when I couldn’t handle waking up in the morning but I made it a point to get up and leave so no one saw me like this.

  I was shaking at this point, I couldn’t stop it, I was upset in general but I think I was more upset because someone saw me.

  “Ian....I just....I’m....fine....I’m...just....leave...” That’s all I could manage out before he gave me a look that said seriously, like I’m going to leave you and he just sat next to me, looking out at the stars. His presence was comforting but I couldn’t stop. I just needed to cry and that’s what I did.

  “Shhh... Anna, just cry, it’s okay.” Ian grabbed my hand rubbing his fingers up and down my arm. Jackson never did that so it was okay. After awhile I started to calm down and this was it. I had to tell someone what was going on in my head because this whole thing couldn’t happen again.

  “Okay, Ian. I’m gonna grab a couple glasses, a bottle of wine and maybe a blanket for me and when I come back, it’s time. I can’t be doing that all the time, just running away from the issues. I have to tackle them, if that’s okay?”

  Ian smiled “Of course, if you’re ready. I’m here.” I was up before he finished and grabbed my things taking one step before pausing to close my eyes real tight hoping Ian knew, without having to talk to me, that I was okay and that this was a good day. I could feel a warm breeze fall over my arms and I smiled hoping that he could hear my thoughts. I started towards the door putting the day behind me and mentally preparing for the conversation that was about to happen.

  See you miss the feeling when you step outside,

  and your mind comes all untied.

  -Michael Grubbs, “Almost Everything”

  I sat down next to Ian, finished pouring in our glasses and started talking.

  “Okay, this is the first time I’ve ever had cried, like that, in front of people.” I let out a sigh because this was going to be a long conversation.

  “Yeah I noticed...” That’s all he said knowing I didn’t need anything else.

  “Yah well I’m not a crazy emotional person, not that I have always been this way, but it’s impossible for me to feel something, anything. Since Jackson’s been gone I don’t feel anything, well not until a couple of days ago. I’ve been feeling little by little but nothing serious until right now. I’ve decided that all those damn stages I’m supposed to go through have melted into one and I’m just a huge mess. I just shut down, as you well know. It wasn’t until this morning that I actually wanted to get up and do something and it felt good.” I took a big sip of wine and let it fall down, drinking it in and trying to keep going.

  “From day one I shut down, numb is my only feeling right now and I’m trying to better that. You and Lindsay are my saving grace, pretty much the reason I leave my room in the morning and certainly the reason for any progress that I’ve made over these 50 days. They’ve been days from hell and when you guys knock me back to reality from my train of thought it’s the only thing that gets me throughout the day. This is hard, life sucks and it’s not fucking fair. I’m only 27 and it’s not fair that the love of my life is gone, taken from me, without my say or a warning or even a real goodbye. I don’t remember much about that day but every moment since we’ve meet has been perfection. Everything about our relationship is perfect...”

  I stopped remembering that is had turned into was. “I mean was perfect and I just don’t understand what I’m supposed to do.” Feeling tears well up again pausing before I continued on.

  “It doesn’t make sense and truthfully I’m a little pissed off. I’m sure that sounds odd but I’m down right mad. This was supposed to be my happy ending, my chance at everything I wanted, my chance to have my fairytale come true and now what. It’s hard being the footnote in everyone else’s love story. It’s like hearing that someone you dated a long time ago is engaged to someone else. It’s odd and part of you think it’s not right, not fair, not what was supposed to happen and you stop and want to tell them to fuck the hell right off. Your next move to shove the love of your life in their face, I don’t get that anymore. All the reunions, friends’ parties, and family gatherings, yep alone. That sounds just perfect, just fucking perfect. The worst moment of it all is when you finally get to see that one person from your past and fake that you’re so happy for them and congratulations and blah blah blah, again alone.”

  I sat there for a moment letting it consume me, letting the rage and the hate and regret and the loneliness hit it. It felt like a tidal wave crashing against me as I desperately tried to swim against the current, impossible. Drowning and surviving at the same time wasn’t going to be possible but it was going to be necessary. I took a deep breath and let it hit me for the last time. This was going to be it. I was going to get hit one last time, knocked out for the final round and I was going to come back and win. I was going to get everything I could back and always hurt where the part of my heart was ripped out but that wasn’t going to change. I thought in that moment that pitying myself wasn’t going to stop others from pitying me. I wasn’t going to be able to stand up for myself if I didn’t stop them from letting them make me feel small and insignificant. From making me feel small and insignificant if I wasn’t going to stand up for myself. I needed to be prepared for those memories that were going to come, for the milestones that weren’t poss
ible, for the time I wasn’t going to have and I have to turn it around. It had been 50 days and it was going to take a lifetime for me to get better, so I’m starting now.

  “Ian, if I don’t stop pitying myself, people are going to pity me forever. I need to get back into my life. The full swing of things or I’ll never do anything I wanted to do, we wanted to do. I know that Jackson will always be with me but I need to be the woman I was with him. So tomorrow we are going to do something I said I’d always do.” He sat there looking at me, not asking questions and I knew that he’d do anything I asked.

  “And after that, I think I need to not be so dependent on you and Lindsay,”

  “You’re not dependent” he interrupted and I let him continue “and I refuse to leave you and Lindsay will say the same thing, I will step back but I’ll always be there.”

  I didn’t feel like arguing so I smiled and knew he was right. Although this emotional release had sparked a fire that was missing, maybe it was a good idea to keep some things the same for now and just back off slowly.

  “Okay, well I’m heading to bed and making a list of things I need to do and maybe there are some items you can help me with.” He smiled back and I got up to find my note book.

  After an hour and knowing which was going first, I felt better and knew that for the first time in a long time I was going to do something for me.

  Goodnight Jackson, I love you

  Part Three:

  Bargaining

  Now you tell me that you’re on the mend,

  Sometimes I wonder how you don’t go mad,

  when you’re so beautiful.

  -Michael Grubbs, “Dance So Good”

  I’ve taken to this journal writing business, plus it keeps everyone off my back about seeing a therapist. I just tell them that I’m writing everything down and it’s cathartic so I don’t need to do anything. Let’s see how much time this actually buys me. I walked down from my bedroom into the study where my journal ominously sits. I’ve only used it a few times but for the next little while I’m going to try and use it. The room was silent, as it always was and I sat there and open my journal I picked up my pen and it just started pouring out.