Almost Everything Page 7

  It's always interesting when you have to change your reality. When you have been living the same way with the same set of rules internally for years and didn't think that things needed to change. When you’re a child you know right from wrong. When you’re a young adult those lines become blurred. When you’re a teenager you toy with the line and see what your best fit is but what if you never change those rules or beliefs or guidelines when you become an adult. What if everything you believed in at 16 is the same as 25 or 30. What happens? Change is hard and shitty. No one said oh my god I love change. Things should always be different. But comfort zones are made, boundaries placed, judgments formed and stubbornness born. What happens when things change, you don't and the impasse is impossible? Changing and adapting is easier as a child but once you become set in your routine and having things the way you want it. It becomes almost impossible to change because you’re resistant. So what then. You just reject things, make compromises but are they really compromises if it's just something new you have to adjust to. These changes can be anything from big to small, life changing to insignificant, reasonable to unimaginable. Things change, people change, situations change but are you going to be the one standing on the sidelines watching life and the things you love most in this world move flying past or are you going to step into something different. It's going to be difficult don't get me wrong but it could also be the best thing you've ever done. Things could be amazing, better, welcome but you never know if you don't stop making excuses. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying if you want to change a whole aspect of your life go all in. It's okay to make small changes. What about attempting to reject the social norm of “right now” or immediate gratification or inevitable disappointment. Here's something to think about, it's not constantly about you. People are busy with work, their lives, and other things and sometimes it's okay to wait for the phone call or the text message. Sometimes, in fact, it's worth it. It can result in that perfect day, that relievable moment, that unforgettable idea that changes something. Sometimes it’s okay to be impatient as long as that doesn't turn into impossible. Sometimes it’s okay to go with the flow, to let things be, to just live in that moment where nothing else in the world matters. Sometimes it's okay to be alone, to feel sad, to want to change your whole life, to be ecstatic as long as you just feel the emotions. If someone cares about you, or you care about yourself, you will remember that it's not about you. It's not something you did that you aren't getting the text back 30 seconds from when you sent it. It's not something you did that your phone call was not returned. It's not always about you. Taking small steps to change is a great thing, it's a human thing that most of us don't do. There is a difference between changing for you and changing for someone else. There's a distinctions to be made between being upset you didn't get the message and watching that person answer work messages. Sometimes work comes first and that's okay. Are you going to be that person that allows that understanding in your life, inevitably accepting that other person for that or are you going to be upset that they don't message you like that. Sometimes you get to be upset for a moment and then realistic. Ask yourself; is what I sent that important? Do I really need an immediate answer? Am I being unreasonable or rationale? Can I live without that message or can I live without that person? What are your answers?

  Are they reasonable in themselves? Can you really expect to place expectations on others that you don't have on yourself? Asking something more than you can give sets you up for failure. That becomes an unending circle of disappointment that you create for yourself. Is that fair? No, is it what happens more often than not, yes. Can you change this? Yes. See how it all goes back to that whole damn change word. Look at your options and be reasonable and unreasonable. Be willing to compromise and be selfish. Ask for what you want but expect that answer to not be possible. I could have stayed in that state I was in when Jackson died. In fact I wanted to. I wanted to die, what was the point. Someone gave me that “it's not always about you” advice at a time when I could handle it and it has stuck with me through my life. Has it been easy to remember, hell no. It has been easier than the alternative sometimes. Actually, since we are being truthful, sometimes I am terrible at it. My “girliness” gets in the way of being rationale. Sometimes I get upset for no real reason, sometimes I create scenarios in my head that don't actually exist or are bigger than reality. Sometimes I allow myself to be worked up over one thing when that's really not the problem. Then they're moments when I remember that advice and I stop and make myself answer those questions and things change, perspectives flip, ideas are adjusted, wants modified and all of a sudden that gut feeling is gone. That thought that things had changed on you, before you wanted them too is gone. We all have that rationale thing it just hides or can be a bitch sometimes. What if I would've let myself die, like I wanted too? How would that have affected everything and everyone around me? I didn't care because I wasn't thinking about anything but me. I was selfish, inconsiderate, childish, moronic and most importantly wrong. Guess what, humans make mistakes, adults screw up royally, things come and go in your life and it’s your attitude towards just letting it happen instead of controlling the situations that determines how much change you can make in your life.

  Therapy has taught me that and much more. I’ve been working at a new firm, nothing against the old I just needed to change my mindset that work isn’t everything and I needed a bit of a slower pace. I like it there and it’s nice that not everyone knows what happened in my life. I’ve made some new friends, which was tough. I went out on an actual date, yep epic fail but hey I went. I talk to my parents and Grace more often than I used to and I visit Jackson’s grave. Yes you read that right. I don’t hear him like I used to but I can feel him there. I know now that he would want this for me. Things are coming around.

  Lindsay found someone and they moved in together which for some reason affected me. I do not wish anyone the heartbreak and suffering I’ve endured and still do, just in a different way. I can’t help but worry for her and it’s something that I’m never going to get used to. I like him a lot and they’re good together and I’m sure I’ll be attending a wedding sooner than later. It’s nice to see her so happy and to have someone to take care of her.

  That’s what I miss the most. Ian is always there for me but he has his work and other friends and a life that takes up his time. My parents are there for me and Grace is too but it’s not the same as having someone to love you unconditionally, to be there for you, to make you laugh and be with you when you need to cry. I hope maybe one day I’ll be able to welcome that into my life but as of right now I’m okay.

  When I stop and thinking about how much has happened in my life, I become overwhelmed. I’ve lived through hell and back and still haven’t hit 30. Sometimes I think about going back to school and doing something where I can help others who have gone through a tragedy but I do love my job and maybe I could just help someone by being my Lindsay and Ian. Forcing them out of their shell, helping them get help and just being there, you never know what life will toss your way. I think that someday this will be a smaller, less painful memory but it will always be a scar left on my arm for everyone to see. Sure it fades, becomes smaller with time, it’s less noticeable but always there. Something to talk about when people notice it but reprieve will one day come.

  I started reading more; things I actually enjoy not stuff on my list. It’s helped and so has listening to new music, broadening my horizons. I’ve gone back to the place where it happened, where my life changed forever. I’ve gone back to the gym and the dock and all the places I swore I’d never return to because I was told I had to. Let me tell you that first time was rough but I’ve learned to let the emotions lead and it became okay and a little easier each time I went back. I don’t visit the accident site often but the others I do and it’s good. I think it’s important for me to remember that it happened in my life and try not to forget and distance myself from everything. I lived it, it was horrib
le but it’s something that happened and I have to learn from it not fear it.

  I’ve changed and grown a lot and there’s so much to tell but I think you get the picture. Something horrible can happen and almost everything in your life can be shattered but something good can come out of it after time. Whoever came up with time heals all wounds didn’t lie, no matter how much we all hate that saying. It’s true. Sorry, I went a little cliché there for a moment but it’s about to continue.

  I just want to share some things I think are important and that is to remember to be calm and mindful, be self reflective and adaptive. Be able to control yourself in a way that you want and try to relinquish that control when it comes to someone else. For all of you wondering if Ian and I will get together. I don't know. Sorry, probably not what you wanted to hear. I know it's annoying but I don't think that's the point. I think the point is to be okay with you and let life happen. Be willing to change, be someone worth fighting for and fight for yourself ever day. Fight for the things you want, things you believe in and things that will compliment your life, not be disruptive. Let opportunity, grace, satisfaction, triumph, sorrow, heart break, change and most importantly allow love in. Whether that is love for yourself, your family, your friend, or a significant other. Be open to it, welcome it in. Sometimes it can change your life.