Almost Everything Page 6

  Sometimes it hurt to think about things I had done as a child. The first time I thought cheating on a test was okay, although it happens to everyone. I believe that some people just don’t change. I hardly cheated on everything for the rest of my life. I mean, I felt so bad that day I turned myself in and my teacher knew but felt so bad for me that she didn’t tell my parents and well that worked out.

  The first time I had kissed someone I shouldn’t and the countless times we kissed after that. Being so young I thought it really wasn’t a big deal. Sometimes keeping things a secret is terrible for both parties. No one should be fixed to do something they don’t want to, even if it’s just a secret.

  The first time you disappoint your parents, the time you got into a car accident, the boyfriend you knew you shouldn’t have had but sometimes it’s better to be with someone instead of alone when you’re young, those mistakes are followed. The boy you fell for, but he didn’t love you back. The man who told you what you wanted to hear just trying to gain something. The time you thought everything was okay but it wasn’t.

  I thought about the time where a good friend had asked me out, before Jackson and I met, and it wasn’t something I was into so I respectfully declined. I always wondered if that was my biggest mistake, he had become extremely successfully and most important was still alive. Maybe if I had said yes to the date my life would’ve turned out differently and I wouldn’t have been in this position. Maybe I would have three kids, living on the farm and not having to work but when I really thought about it, that’s not something I ever pictured for myself.

  If you sit and thinking, and I mean really think about all of the important and insignificant things in your life that shaped the person you are told, can you seriously ask yourself if you are enough, sometimes the answer is no.

  Sometimes when you look, you realise that there is always someone you are jealous of, someone you wish you could be, some aspect of your life you hate and want to change but can’t. When the answer is no that’s okay but hard to take and that’s when you go numb.

  I think it’s also important to think about the people closest to you and how you treated them. Did you do your best and they just didn’t care? Did you try to take care of them out of love but they pretended to love you and didn’t? Did you ever feel like a mat being walked on that no one wants?

  I don’t know how long I sat there that day, but I do know that it wasn’t the first day I had done it. It was more than two weeks and certainly more than twice a day that I would just sit and let the water wash away whatever you want to call this but it never worked. I suppose some people call it anxiety or depression but there were moments of clarity, no matter how fleeting. Sometimes I thought about him, sometimes I thought about me, sometimes I didn’t think at all. It was easier on me the times I was able to have a blank mind. I supposed I should’ve just lay in bed all day and it probably would’ve achieved the same affect but there was something about the water that was soothing and calming and truthfully I didn’t care about the money I just needed something.

  I had lost count of the months and the days it had been since the funeral, it didn’t matter and keeping track only hurt more. I had thought about all the brave moments I had, the things I had accomplished since, the house I had moved into and the weeks that were great before this crippling anxiety. Don’t get me wrong I went to work in and out every day and these moments came only before and after.

  I go into the office and play the perfect role. Sad but not too sad making sure to be happy but not overly happy. I do my work, with that I don’t have to pretend because truthfully I’ve always been good at that. I say hello, listen to stories in the lunch room, even if I don’t care. Sometimes I pretend to have someone meeting me for lunch if I really don’t feel like being around anyone but that’s subsided. I bring fresh flowers because sometimes they’re just nice to look at. I politely decline any kind of plans after work with excuses varying from having “fake” plans to not being ready. A couple colleges thought I should go out on a date, yah they aren’t being spoken too any time soon. Sorry, sometimes life calls for being a bitch and that was one of those times.

  Lindsay thought that making a dating profile on a website would be good. Take a wild guess, I didn’t. However it did become a sense of entertainment looking at profiles but I choose not to look at anyone I found attractive because that’s just not a good idea. Don’t judge me people you know have done the same thing they just don’t talk about that being the real reason they’re on the dating site. Some people will really do anything for a one night stand. Between that and regular social media it’s the easiest thing to pass the time. Reading right now is out of the question. Everything, even most classic literature, has some form of a love story and well they all just blow. They do have this new app that shows you what you’ve posted on collective social media in years prior. For awhile it was so much fun looking at old pictures and silly messages but when it came to the time where Jackson and I started dating it wasn’t so fun, but I kept it because one day I’d be able to look at it and smile.

  Sure I could hear the doorbell chime or the phone ring but there wasn’t really anything that important. My parents stopped calling once I had convinced them I was fine. I didn’t have any siblings so that was easy. Lindsay had given up about a month ago I think, but she had reminded me that if I needed her I could call. Ian would come and go, clean things I just didn’t care about and leave food for me to eat, but truth be told if he didn’t I don’t know if I would’ve eaten. He didn’t bother me and I liked it that way. I knew if I needed him I could call but that would lead to feelings I shouldn’t have.

  Hang on there, don’t go judging me. He’s beautiful remember, and sweet and takes amazing care of me but he’ll never replace Jackson and I should’ve never seen him like that, even if only for a moment. Maybe that’s why I’m sitting here useless, or maybe not. For whatever the reason is I haven’t brought myself to anything in awhile.

  The new house is a much better idea. It’s smaller and easier for me to handle. I managed to unpack the boxes. Now when I say I unpacked I mean I did a couple boxes and Ian and Lindsay did the rest. I told them I hadn’t decided on paint colours, and truthfully I didn’t care. Everything I needed to survive was around the rest would come later.

  After what seemed like two hours I got out of the shower, blow dried my hair and decided that I would sit around and look at paint colours for the rooms. There was a lot of rooms, things I didn’t care about but its Saturday and I needed something meaningless and time consuming plus thanks to technology I didn’t even have to leave the house to chose the colours. I promised myself that if I could pick the paint, Id force myself to leave the house on Sunday to get what I needed. Luckily this week of vacation was booked at the beginning of the year and I can’t change it. Whatever, I supposed not having to pretend at work for a week wasn’t so bad.

  In a week I had manage to do all those things and everything was painted and fresh, thanks to creating a list of projects I kept busy but this is the first time I was happy to be going back to work.

  Anxiety came and went over the next few weeks but in began to become unbearable. I started reading about it, thinking maybe there was something I could do to kick myself out of it but I couldn’t. One day I decided not to go to work. I couldn’t call in because I didn’t want to have to explain myself but I sent a text. Unfortunately my boss knew Ian and I’m sure that had something to do with him setting up an emergency plan but I haven’t been able to think about him conspiring against me. I sat, once again, on the bottom of the shower floor and turned the water on. It began as it always had, scolding on my body and I eventually settled into the heat. I let my mind wander until it had cleared and I just sat. I’m sure I had heard to the doorbell but who cares, they’ll go away. I just wanted to feel the water rolling onto my skin and the soothing sound it made hitting the shower floor. I closed my eyes and let myself succumb to the warmth. Before I knew what was happen
ing a towel had been wrapped around me and I was in my room, struggling to breathe. I must have fallen asleep, as I had before but this time Ian had decided to break in. I mean he didn’t break in he had a key but I don’t even remember him carrying me to my room. I opened my eyes again only to find him throwing a shirt and pants at me,

  “Put these on and get your ass downstairs,” he said gruffly, stomping his way downstairs without ever looking at me.

  I hurried to get dressed and ran down before he could leave.

  “Anna, I’m done. I’ve been waiting to talk to you for months now. Hell I offered to help paint, you had a week off and I didn’t get as much as a text. I’m sick of this. I’m always worried about it and here I figure out what is really going on, you’re falling asleep in the shower, skipping work and not talking to anyone, explain yourself or I’m out of here for good.” The way he looked at me, I couldn’t even begin to explain. I just stared at him because trying to get out everything I felt seemed impossible but it was the only way I could keep him. He seemed more than serious; he seemed hurt, depressed, angry, and sad and a million other things that couldn’t be put into words.

  “Ian listen...I” stopping for a moment to breathe and think. This was my moment but I was worried that I couldn’t do it. He looked like he’d leave if I didn’t continue but what was I supposed to say. Nothing seemed right...

  “I guess I didn’t realise that it had been awhile since Grace showed up. I’m just trying to make this day by day bullshit work.”

  He took a breather and stepped back, “Anna it’s been months. You didn’t show up to see the family like you said and you can’t really think I’m going to let this go. I bought this complete crap about you writing in a journal and for awhile I thought it was working but I don’t buy it anymore, out.” He pointed forcefully to the door and I said nothing but followed the direction as there isn’t really all that much fight left in me anymore.

  Really months? I don’t believe it I swear she was just here. I looked down at the date and tried to remember what day she came, but I couldn’t. Yep that’s a problem.

  “Where are we ugh, going?” I whispered half knowing I wouldn’t actually be getting any answer. He just looked at me, opened my door and shut it as I sat down and buckled my seat belt. Yep just like I thought

  We drove for a bit until we came across the place where we all used to run.

  “I’m not getting...” I attempted to say but the look that shot at me from across the car was the truest form of the death stare I’ve ever seen.

  “Get your ass out of the car now.” He was pissed and I could tell. Part of me cared and part of me didn’t really give a shit.

  I did as I was told.

  “What now, I’m supposed to feel something being here.” I muttered.

  “Yah no we are going to stand here until you cry or scream or something so that I’m not worried you are going to die in that house alone with no one to found out,” Odd thing to say but probably not that far from the truth.

  I pouted like a five year old and stomped far ahead of him as my mind raced and I tried to set one single thought straight. What does that mean, no one would find out. I suppose convincing everyone that I was fine was a double edged sword. They thought I was some super star who had figured out this whole grieving thing but I hadn’t and screw them.

  My pace began to change and my walk turned into a fierce run. Thoughts racing faster than my feet, no one would care or take the time to see if they hadn’t heard from me in awhile. It had been months since I promised to see the family and I hadn’t. Work would probably only care because I make them so much money. I don’t have a will so that could be a free for all. What the fuck is wrong with me. Why can’t I stop, my pace quicken even more to the point where I couldn’t breathe. I just kept going because stopping to feel this wasn’t going to be happening. If I just kept going I could run away the thoughts and then go back to the in and out. Selfish, yes. Childish, yep. I don’t care. No one understands what I go through on a daily basis. I can’t handle this anymore, and at that moment my legs collapsed and I hit the grass with more force that I thought I had in me. Tears began rushing down my face and frantically breathing. I began to sob uncontrollably and immediately noticed that Ian was right behind me.

  “Can I,” he put his arms out and I just rolled into them. I let the tears flow and screamed at the top of my lungs. I don’t know if it’s a scientific thing but it felt good and I just kept repeating my pattern, until I thought about other people being around.

  “There’s no one here, the sky is about to open up in a storm your fine just scream. Get something out, anything out,” Ian said holding me close and I couldn’t contain myself. Everything was erupting like a thousand year old volcano.

  I’m alone. That thought is the worst. I began to calm down slowly, taking deeper and deeper breathes. Focusing on what was happening around me. The silence, for the first time in a long time felt good. It felt comforting but maybe that was Ian. I wasn’t sure. It didn’t really matter all that much.

  “I can’t believe it’s been months since Grace was there,” I managed to stutter out.

  “Anna, it’s been three months. You don’t call or check in. The only reason I know your alive is when I come to drop off food the old containers are generally empty.”

  Yep, he was right. Damn.

  “Three months? Why didn’t she call or what the hell?” I was so confused and unsure of what was happening in my life. I tried to think of what happened in the last three months but nothing was coming to me. I began to panic and start to have what seemed to be a panic attack.

  “Anna, calm down. You’re fine.” He continued stroke my back and the air slowly returned to me.

  “She did call, didn’t she?” Tears began slowly trickling.

  “Yes she did, a lot. So have I, so has Lindsay, so have your parent,”

  “No I’ve been home. I would’ve noticed.” I think

  “You’ve been at work where they screen your calls and your assistant hangs on your every word. Then you go to the gym, I’m pretty sure as the only reason you justify sitting in that shower for hours. At some point you eat and that’s it.”

  I sat up and thought hard about it.

  “If you go home I bet you have a thousand missed calls, probably a hell of a lot of mail, when’s the last time you got that?”

  Damn that thing has to be full, I thought. Put that on the “to do” list.

  “I thought making that bucket list was making you get out of the house so it had to be a good thing but after we all went skiing and you stopped trying to knock things off that list, it got worse.”

  Yes it had, apparently worse than I even thought.

  “I’m just, I...I FUCKING HATE THIS” I screamed one last time and pathetic fallacy came in as the skies opened with a vengeance and rain came down at a rate like I’d never seen before.

  I stood up and let the rain pour down on me closing my eyes and taking it all in. Letting every emotion I had refused to feel in months pour out of me and Ian said nothing.

  We didn’t move and quickly became drenched. It was something. I felt something.

  My eyes opened just for a moment, “I need to stop this but I don’t know how. I’ve let go of everything and everyone important, I’ve become a hermit and it’s not good.”

  Ian looked over, “No it’s not good.”

  “How am I even going to begin to fix this?” I asked, thinking it was going to be damn near impossible.

  Ian took my hand, pulled me close and kissed the top of my head as my eyes closed and I sunk into the moment. I definitely felt that. He grabbed my chin and tilted my head up, “One day at a time, with me and whoever else you want by your side.”

  Part Five:

  Acceptance

  And then you open up your eyes

  and you don’t feel lonely

  -Michael Grubbs, “Almost Everything”

  At what point do you stop and remember
things that you used to do are okay. That the person you worked so hard to become can still thrive with glimpses of who you used to be. That balance works, things don't change and sometimes it's okay to go and have fun. That being said and scared never got anyone anywhere, however it's okay to have those feelings as long as you them in check. That being scared reminds you that boundaries exist and you should always listen to your gut on that but on other things you should relax have fun and remember that good still does live in this world. It's hard to realize that when our culture is always tuned into news networks. No one ever reports on the good acts and deeds that happen every day but solely focus on a select few who chose to create chaos in the name of their beliefs. Everyone has the right to their beliefs but no one has the right to enforce them upon others especially in a harmful way. In a culture like this, those susceptible to anxiety and its family can forget the good people, the good things, the fun moments and focus on the scary, the evil, and the minority. When those lines cross you are at a standstill trying to remember who you were and who you've become. Do you choose to do something about their fears or succumb to them and be locked in a state of terror. I say this like it's easy, I know you think it might be, but don't judge the people it's hard for. Things might not be easy, it can be rough and ugly but on occasion the good triumphs over evil, the light shine brighter than the darkness, the hero finally wins and it's a beautiful moment.

  I think about that day in the rain often, it was the first time I’d felt anything in well over a year. It’s been five months since that day and every one of those days has been a little bit better. I went home and checked my 120 phone calls, my mail box that was so full the post office just started holding my things. I called Grace and apologized, making a date for the next weekend, which I kept. I went out more, I ran more, I ate more, I slept more and with each moment I think I got a little bit better. Ian, Lindsay and I did more things and I’m about ready to start that crazy list I wrote over again. Hopefully finishing everything and starting a new one. I occasionally write in the journal and it feels good. I did start therapy and that helps more than I thought. Note to self I was in desperate need. She helped me see that I wasn’t so good after all.