Almost Everything Read online

  “Coming,” I yelled, I couldn’t really tell who was calling me but I’m sure it was Lindsay.

  I can do this, I just have to get through the next few hours and that’s it. That had to be my mantra for the next few days. I had great friends and amazing family and I knew they needed me during this time and I sure as hell needed them but if there was even a slight chance to hear Jacksons voice again, I couldn’t give that up. Asleep, awake, a miracle, I don’t care, if there was a slight chance I would do anything to get it.

  Turning around Lindsay was walking towards me. Lindsay was always there for me especially now, and even Jackson’s best friend Ian was great. He was following her “Ready to face the rest of this shitty day?”

  I hugged them both as they each grabbed one of my hands walking back up to this house. This was going to be a long day until I could see Jackson again. How the hell was I supposed to stay here without him?

  Tell me why we’re talking when we dance so good

  -Michael Grubbs, “Dance So Good”

  I can’t help but thinking that only a few months ago, I sat in the kitchen, I watched Jackson walk over to me from the front door, he was so beautiful it was hard to stop myself from watching him and starring every once and awhile. I mindless bent across the counter and entering my own world. Life was perfect and it seemed to get better every single day. We were great together and as we has started to get into a groove of how we work living together. Seamless, was one word that could be used to describe the way we moved around our house. I was deliriously happy that I was able to call it our house. I was just finishing up dinner as I felt Jack’s hands wrap around my waist. Music that was once in the background began to get louder as I was turned around into his arms. We moved back and forth around the kitchen smiling and laughing as Jackson would dip and spin me around. Life was perfect at that single moment. After listening and dancing to a few more songs, we finally began the crazy long process of making dinner. It's made a lot longer when there's more kissing than cooking. Grabbing food, we sat down at the table talking about our day; Friday was always a good day.

  “So what do you want to do this weekend?” Jackson asked clearing my plate and his as he poured a glass of wine and headed us into the living room, curling around me on the couch.

  “Um this would be great.”

  Jackson smiled and I melted straight into his arms. This man held my heart and always would.

  “Well I’m okay with that. Is there anything you wanted to do?” He just smiled at me and I knew that he would be just as happy curled up on the couch with me for two days as he would going anywhere else.

  “Actually I was hoping we go visit some friends, or have them visit us so we don’t have to go anywhere.” It had been awhile since the wedding and I was starting to miss Lindsay, and I knew he felt the same about Ian. It was about time we saw people, we had been so busy with everything else.

  “Sure that sounds good, invite whoever you want, we can go get whatever we need tomorrow morning and spend the whole weekend together and at home.” His glass clinked against mine before we both finished and I stood to get more,

  Just as I started walking to the kitchen, he had grabbed the glasses out of my hand, put them down and picked me up,

  “Okay, well get on that tomorrow. Tonight I think I’m going to pick your ass up and bringing you to bed. I’ve got other plans for us there.”

  Before I could say okay, I was over his shoulder and dragged off to the bedroom.

  This was easily the longest day ever, I sat down next to Lindsay and put my feet up on the couch closing my eyes and hoping for silence.

  “How are you doing kid? You did great today.” She was the best, and I wasn’t sure how I would even function without her.

  I smiled, half heartedly and put my head on her shoulder.

  “I just miss him.” I thought about telling Lindsay about what happened on the dock, but I’m not sure of what happened out there. All I knew was I was looking for clarity and I needed to get back out to that dock.

  Everyone had gone, the last plate had been cleaned off the table and I had said my last goodbye. It was a long day and I ripped my shoes off before heading down to the only place that seemed like home. As I sat there, I hope that the same thing happened but I certainly didn’t have an idea in hell on how I was going to make that happen.

  Closing my eyes again and sitting in sheer silence was getting old. I felt the warm wind lay on my arms passing slowly through me.

  “Jackson?” I asked hoping that by some chance he would answer again, I knew it was crazy but a girl will do what she needs to even if she doesn’t know how to explain it.

  “Anna” I was startled but this time, I was kind of ready for it. I knew not to open my eyes on the off chance that this would stop.

  “How the hell is this happening? I don’t know how but I don’t want to fight it.”

  “I don’t either.” I just wanted to hear his voice and at the sound I completely broke down.

  “How am I supposed to live without you? It’s not fair.” It sure as hell wasn’t fair, and this was nothing like the real thing but I would take this as a substitute anytime.

  “I know it isn’t and this is impossible as long as you want it to be. But I want you to be happy please always know that.” Happy, how the hell was that going to happen, it sure didn’t seem possible.

  “I just want you to hug me really tight and tell me you love me. Tell me you’re glad to be here with me. Tell me that everything will be alright and that I make you happy and glad to be alive, but you can’t.” I could barely breathe between the tears but this was the first time I could actually grieve and if I was going to let anyone see, it was going to be Jackson.

  “Hell I can’t. I do love you, and I was never happier that when I was with you and I would give anything to hold you one more time and make you happy to be alive. I miss you and this certainly isn’t helping but it’s better than not having anything between us.”

  “Jackson, I ....”

  “I know it’s time to go to bed. I know it’s been a long day and tomorrow is going to be long and so is the day after, so just know that I’m always here for you. I love you and if you need to, come and find me.”

  I sat there for a little while longer, but I had to open my eyes, this was bound to kill me or keep me in a continual state of being stuck on the dock. It would be okay as long as Jackson and I could talk, crazy I know and I’ve already said it, but what can I do if I can’t talk to him, this was the next best thing. I walked back into that house more confused than ever. Lindsay slept on the couch and I didn’t think I could take staying in our bed alone. I grabbed a blanket and headed for the chair. I wasn’t sure how the hell I was supposed to get any sleep tonight but I was going to need to try. He was certainly right about one thing today was long, tomorrow longer, and there didn’t seem to be an end in sight.

  But I don’t know when I will see you again,

  and it gets so lonely

  -Michael Grubbs, “Almost Everything”

  Sleep, I don’t remember what that word even means. It’s been 6 days, 9 hours and 3 minutes since I found out my life is over. I’ve only been out to the dock three times because seeing him like that is becoming damn near impossible for me to handle. He’s dead and I have to somehow come to terms with that. There is just one small problem, I can’t.

  “Stop thinking kid.” Ian said smiling making dinner to somehow try and appease my appetite.

  “I wish. How is it possible you guys are going through the same thing as me yet you’re so much stronger than me?”

  Unfortunately that was the only way I could think at this point. They were functioning, which seemed like a foreign concept. I wasn’t jealous of them; I just didn’t understand how they were able to do so. Their strength seemed inspiring at sometimes and unattainable at others. Lindsay came around the corner and put her arm around me. I wish I could feel the warmth in her hug, I know it’s there but my body
doesn’t seem to want to feel anything.

  “We aren’t, and you’re doing an incredible job. Honestly I can’t even understand how you are doing it.” She hugged me for what seemed like forever and I was hoping at some point to feel it but I didn’t and she didn’t push or try to make me feel anything, she just knew.

  “I just lost three days and I don’t even know what happened. I’m a zombie.” They laughed, it seemed funny to me as well, but the fact that it was the truth and my new reality which furthered my depression.

  “Rightfully so, but we are here so just let us know what we can do for you. Now attempt to eat something or I’m going to continually stuff you with food.” She playfully slapped my arm and grabbed three plates so we could eat together. Great another memory was starting to flood me, how the hell was I supposed to live.

  “Honestly this looks incredible and it smells amazing but I’m not really hungry.” I tried to make a getaway, I needed the dock but I knew that it was only going to make everything worse.

  “Not an option.” Both of them said at the same time, I let out a chuckle, well I don’t know if I can call it that but sure, let’s go with it.

  “If you lose any more weight we have to go shopping.” Lindsay knew that threat would get me to do anything. I didn’t hate shopping but going out where other people could give me their sincerest apologies, yah that stunk which made shopping in the same category.

  “Lindsay, I told you I don’t...”

  “I know, so eat.” She sat down and smiled, she knew how to make me do just about anything.

  So I just sat there, moving around food with my fork, knowing that I actually had to take bites because these two wouldn’t be buying the moving around without eating. They were what I needed. They always knew what was best for me and if they weren’t here I wouldn’t function; not because I couldn’t eventually but I just didn’t know how.

  Someone told me, in the wake of all this, that there are five steps in this whole process. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance, somehow it seems that all of these steps “everyone goes through” are melding into one big fucking mess. I don’t know what to do anymore and it seems like it gets lonelier by the minute. No one understands anything that I’m going through except for the one person who doesn’t want to talk to anyone. She has completely shut herself off from the world and apparently seeing me would make everything harder. I don’t think she understands that we both lost someone essential in our lives and she doesn’t realize that she’s the lucky one. She had years and years, watching him grow up, live his life, become the man that he was. I was cheated. I miss all the times we should have had. I have the “what ifs” and the “maybes” and the “could have beens.” Not her. I know I’m being selfish but so is she. I had to close my eyes and get out of my head, today was another day that I just had to get through.

  I miss you; with every part of my being. This doesn’t make sense and I don’t understand. Being with you was so easy. Every time I’m caught off guard with a memory, or a conversation I start to cry. I know it was real. I know you meant every world, every action, every breathe, so I don’t understand how this happened. I hate this and I want to hate you but I can’t bring myself too. I want to find the red flags but there were none. I just want you to call or text or come through the door but you aren’t. I want it so bad it hurts. Every time my phone beeps or there’s a knock on the door, I pray it’s you. Every time it’s not, it hurts and I don’t know how to fix me. I don’t know how to fix whatever happened but I wish you could be here and give us a real chance. I wish I would’ve held you harder, kissed you forever, breathed you in stronger. I don’t get this; I think it hurts more than it should. I need to move on but the thought of doing it hurts more because I feel like I’m hurting us. There is no us and I don’t know how much longer I can hold on to wanting you. I know I could never change what happened; I just wish we had more time. Who knows what would’ve happened but you gave up. You need you to know this could’ve been forever but you didn’t try.

  It was a year ago on and it was really beautiful outside that day. The sun was out, making the cool breeze seem warmer. The sky could not have been any bluer as we sat out in the back yard after a long day of working. Jackson had gone into the house to grab two glasses and a bottle of wine. I shut my eyes and let the sun shine down on my face until I could feel his presence as he was walking back. Even though we hadn’t been together for that long, there was an undeniable connection. Something I certainly couldn’t explain, it was just there. I could tell if he was happy, or if something was wrong; if he wanted to tell me something or share in the joy of an accomplishment. It was a skill that I didn’t know I had until I met him, and it came in handy. The biggest reason our relationship worked, that I thought, was that we told each what was on our minds. No apologies for who we were and trying to change the other wasn’t on the table at all. If one of us wanted to make ourselves better and were inspired by something the other did, that it was okay but trying to change each other wasn’t our think. Jackson sat and looked at me with this expression in his eyes. I wasn’t sure what he wanted but I knew that it was something because he just kept staring.

  “What’s wrong?” I said opening my eyes, and placing my hand towards my glass, taking a big sip and looking towards him.

  “Nothing.” He just stared down at his glass moving the liquid around mindlessly.

  “Okay sure, nice try though, what is it?”

  “Well truthfully, I’m thinking that you should meet my mother.”

  I smiled. Nothing made me happier or surer that we were moving in the right direction. My heart began to beat a little bit faster, and I wasn’t sure that I could contain myself, but I did, he seemed nervous about it, but I don’t think it had anything to do with me. I knew that he didn’t introduce people to his family unless he was sure of them, Ian always said that. Family was a big deal to him, and I always thought that was my favourite thing about him. The love and trust he had for his family, he just wanted to protect them and now that I had the chance to meet them, I must have been doing something right.

  “Okay, that sounds great.”

  Jackson’s eyes lit and I knew that was the answer he was looking for.

  “Jackson, why were you nervous? Did you think that I would’ve said no?” I wanted to find out the answer but something was telling me that it seemed to be impossibility.

  “I didn’t think so but I wanted to make sure it was okay. I want to keep our relationship moving forward and I think we should do this together.” We had been together for some time at this point yet some of the things he said still surprised me.

  He had met my parents about a week ago and it couldn’t have gone any better. I always valued my family’s opinions, they were loud, but they loved hard with nothing but good intentions. When I talked to them after, they thought the same way I did. He was the one. All of the women loved him, not only because he’s unattainably beautiful but for his warm heart and compassion. He fit in with the guys so easily that the whole day went off without a hitch.

  “Yes I think it’s a great idea.” I just smiled, that was all I could do at the moment. He was a mystery sometimes and I knew that I was very lucky to be the one who got to uncover it.

  “Me too. What exactly were you thinking of doing?”

  “Well we could call her to come over for dinner.”

  “Perfect, I think made too much anyway.” I smiled and kissed him on the cheek before moving into the house to set another plate at the table.

  I knew he needed some time outside to call his mom and let his nerves slow down. I didn’t get nervous the way he did when something truly important was happening, but I understood how he copped with things was always going to be different than mine. I just wanted to get everything ready, myself included, seeing as I wasn’t expecting this.

  This was one of those times I was sad we didn’t live together; I didn’t stay over often but thankfully I always kept a “just
in case” bag. You never know when a girl can’t resist the urge and it never hurts to be prepared. I had everything I needed to be presentable to meet his mother. I guess I was starting to get nervous as I walked down the stairs, but Jackson always knew how to fix that. The look on his face as I was walking down the stairs said it all.

  “Wow, you look incredible,” he said pulling me into a heart melting kiss. Nothing, I mean, nothing in the world was better than kissing this man.

  “Thanks, you don’t look to bad yourself,” I had to stop whatever was happening before it started, but he just kept kissing me. “Not that I ever complain, but I just got ready and your mom should be here soon right?”

  “Mhmm” Jackson was able to say in between the small kisses he placed on my neck.

  “So although I love doing this, I think we should finishing getting everything ready.” Jackson’s growl in his throat said he didn’t want to but I knew that it was the best idea and he laughed as he walked away from me.

  “For future note, you can’t come down, looking like that, me knowing you might be staying here tonight, and not expect me to go insane.” Just as he backed away, the door bell rang. “Good timing, I can barely contain myself near those legs.” He said smacking my ass and walking to the door.

  That evening was perfect. She walked in and I did a double take, they were so similar, making her incredibly beautiful. She was tall and lovely, with the most heart warming smile. Sheer optimism and love shone through her and if you were in her presence you truthfully knew she wanted to be there, that she was genuinely interested in what you were saying and that she certainly wanted to get to know you.

  I loved his mother instantly and I’m sure the feeling was mutual. It seemed like she knew that all I wanted was for her to be happy. You could feel that radiating from me and I wanted to assure that was the only thing that I had in mind. We talked about the local news, what was going on in the magazines. We talked about books and ones that we think the other would be interested in. She talked me into buying more, and lending ones that I had around the house to her.