Almost Everything Page 3

  I was actually kind of sad when the evening ended. She told me that she would be seeing me soon, which did make me happy. I knew that we would defiantly get along which would intern make Jackson a very happy man.

  “I really enjoyed myself, your mother is incredible,” I said leaning into his arms, closing my eyes and immediately feeling a calm brush over me.

  “She loved you. How could she not. Just think any time your lonely, if you too have the always got loving me in common.”

  “If you weren’t so damn cute, I’d tell you that you’re an ass sometimes. But truthfully I was kind of hoping so. You know I’m a little sad that she left,” I said laughing not really thinking before I said that.

  “I prefer she left but having me in common is great. I keep things interesting, but whatever you like is fine too. And let me tell you, I love my mother but trying to keep my hands off you and be respectful has almost killed me. Please don’t ever wear that again when my mother is around. ” He said as he picked me up and brought us upstairs.

  I thought about what I was wearing, some cute shorts and a pretty top, nothing that special, but apparently enough to drive him crazy. Jackson was incredible; he knew how far to take me and where I became uncomfortable. He was always patient and caring and never once threw a fit that we weren’t having sex. Although if I knew now what it would’ve been like, I may have broke my own promise; Keeping my hands off him was just as big of a job as keeping his hands off me.

  I remember when you lost your head,

  Sometimes I wonder how you stay so sad

  when you’re so beautiful

  -Michael Grubbs, “ Dance So Good”

  Life is a funny thing. You blink and you miss it, you think too hard and you fall down, you try and try and finally succeed but if you love to hard, sometimes life is cruel. It can be a bitch. Love is one of the most fragile gifts that you treasure just like life. Take it one day at a time, enjoy every single moment because when you least expect it something happens and your life is gone.

  I just wanted to lie in bed all day, because there’s little else and nothing left to do. For years I always slept alone, but today it just hit me, I won’t sleep next to Jackson again. I won’t feel the way his arms curled around me, the soft snore had when he couldn’t sleep, the kisses on my hair when we woke up, nothing. I had nothing left but memories. I can’t live with that but for some reason I’m going to have to. It’s been 23 days, 9 hours, and 16 minutes, since that day. That’s 23 sleepless nights, 23 endless days and 33,120 moments without him. I just wanted to rest and forget everything but that didn’t seem like an option. Just as depression was about to set in, a small knock on the door jolted me straight up as Ian walked into the room.

  “Hey I’m sorry, I was just thinking today is a great day for a walk. Care to join me?” Did I, no, should I...

  “Actually before the depression and this bed consume me, just let me change and I’ll meet you downstairs.” I said slowly getting out of bed. “Ian, you know if you have better things to do, a girlfriend and friends to attend to, it’s okay. I’ll be okay.”

  “First off I’m glad we are getting out for a walk, and secondly I have no girlfriend and my best friend unfortunately was taken from us so I’m going to make sure that we get through this together. You are my friend and I want to take care of you. So when I think you’re going to be okay, I’ll back off but right now, I’m not okay and that means you can’t be either.” And with that he was gone, “I’m waiting downstairs,” he yelled. Well Jackson sure knew how to pick them.

  I got ready as fast as I could, I didn’t feel the need for anything besides shorts, a t-shirt, and a hat. I didn’t put any effort into my hair or make up because the only person in the world that I wanted to impress was gone so to hell with the rest of them. I threw my shoes on and out the door we went.

  Neither one of us had any idea of where to walk to, nothing seemed right anymore and I didn’t know how to fix that. We just walked, at first in silence. Ian was a great guy; he knew that I didn’t want to be pressed for nonsense chit chat so he didn’t. If I said something, he replied if he needed too otherwise it was a very comfortable silence.

  He was an extremely good looking man, and at this point, with the way he took care of me, I’m not sure why he was single. He was tall, definitely taller than me. He had these amazing blue eyes that pierced through you and were accentuated by his dark brown hair. He was tan and fit from running all the time. Come to think of it he hadn’t run in awhile, or I just haven’t paid attention and he’s gone when I’m out of it or asleep, which is a lot, so it’s very possible. He had the biggest heart and he was certainly one of the most caring and compassionate people I knew. He asked me before staying on the couch every night, he allowed me to just vent if I needed him and he was always there to make sure I was okay, or eating or whatever it was at the time. He had a great job as a CEO of an online company, which I was extremely grateful for at this moment in time. He was always there. I wasn’t sure how I’d do in the house alone but so far I didn’t have to worry about that. Ian said that he would stay until I didn’t need him and I had made a decision to be grateful instead of fighting him.

  “You know we’ve been walking for a long time, think we should turn around and head back to the house?” Ian said as he broke me out of my own train of thought.

  “Oh we really have, that sounds good.”

  Ian looked at me funny, “Did I interrupt your thoughts?”

  I smiled and laughed a little, thinking about it I think this is the first time I’ve laughed in 23 days. “Actually yah, I was just thinking about why you were single, and how great of a guy you are and certainly how thankful I am that your here for me.”

  Ian smiled for a minute, and I thought where the hell did that comes from did, luckily he was leaving the whole comment alone and then he stopped. “First off thank you, I would do anything for you and Jackson and that certainly does not change now. As for girls, I just haven’t met the right one and I’m certainly not in the state of mind to worry about that now. Oh and it’s really great to see your smile and hear your laugh, it’s been awhile.” And with that he kept walking. Wow okay he’s just as direct as I am and certainly as Jackson was, no wonder why we get along. The first time I met him, I knew he was a good guy.

  I can’t help but thinking, about that Sunday morning; we had made breakfast and sat around doing nothing. Jackson always loved this mornings, this had become an immediate tradition since we had gotten married. We both worked so hard all week that it was nice to wake up and stay in bed as long as we wanted to go and do things at a time that we felt like, and not be on a schedule. That morning was different; we had made plans for lunch with Jackson’s friend and best man Ian. Sure I had met him before, but I’d never really gotten to know him. He seemed like a good guy, he helped Jackson with anything he needed for the wedding, and he was always very polite and seemed responsible.

  I was finishing getting ready as I heard Jackson walk through the door, “Hey where are we going again? I don’t want to be over dressed.”

  Jackson came behind me grabbing my head and tilting it backward so he could kiss my forehead, I loved when he did that. “You look perfect, as usual. Ian doesn’t do too dressy so it’s fine, honestly.”

  I just smiled, looking one last time in the mirror, “Okay let’s go, I’m ready.” Grabbing my purse, we headed out of the house. Right now it was difficult to remember anything but the memory that I do have of this day is precisely vivid. It was an incredibly beautiful day. Pulling into a driveway, I noticed that there was no actual restaurant, but a type of walk up window, and what looked like an incredible park and pond behind it.

  “Are we going for a lunch walk?”

  Jackson came and grabbed my hand, “Yah, Ian thought it was a good idea, and I didn’t want you to know, it’s kind of a cool place and it’s incredible outside so it works out perfectly.”

  “Yah that’s awesome. Hey Ian,” He was wal
king over and it was always difficult for me to understand that both Jackson and all of his friends were incredibly good looking.

  “What do you think Anna?”

  “Honestly this is a great idea. Does this place have good food?” The boys looked at each other and smiled, “Darlin, if the food wasn’t good we wouldn’t be here.”

  I should’ve known. We each grabbed something and started out on the trail. It was a fun day with really great conversation. Ian was really interesting and patient and super understanding with all of my questions. There was something unexplainable but I just knew that we would get along instantly and it seemed that was what happened. We just clicked, and of course it makes sense as we both had Jackson in common. There were other things, nature, running, cooking, books and all kinds of other things that gave me the sense that if I needed him, I could just call. It was nice.

  It had always been that way with Jackson, he was always so easy to be around, from the minute we had our first date and after 23 days I fricken missed it. But that’s the funny thing; you can’t have one simple feeling can you? That one small feeling I had for missing him had immediately turned into grief, which turned into shame and guilt over having these feelings for another man. It wasn’t possible and it never would be but that one feeling of familiarity was smashed through all of the rest that comes with it, just another reason that life wasn’t fair and sometimes it really sucked.

  “Still with me,” Ian said, and I looked up with what I assumed were tears, yet again in my eyes. I just stared at him thinking that I once had someone to care about me and watch over me and now that person was taken from me.

  “Yah,” I choked out trying to drown my tears and think of something else. “I was just thinking, bad habit I guess. This is all so overwhelming and hard to handle and sometimes I just...”

  Ian just grabbed me and pulled me towards him wrapping his arms tight around me and said nothing. Neither did I, because this moment held some sort of solace for me, and for Ian and it seemed that we stayed that way for an eternity. It was nice not having to worry and think but just feel normal, just for a split second.

  “You know,” Ian said pulling me just far enough so he could look into my eyes as he finished his sentence, “I’m always here and so is Lindsay so if you need to vent, or talk, or cry or scream, it’s okay, and we’ll both be here for you.”

  I just nodded because I didn’t know anything else to do. We stood there for a few more moments because something like this would eat my guilt if it happened in the house.

  “I think we should head back and figure out what the hell I’m going to do with that house.”

  Ian looked at me like I had three heads. “Um what do you mean?”

  I had decided at that moment if I was going to move on with my life at some point, I needed to go through everything that we had made together, keep the things I couldn’t live without but I was going to have to move.

  “The only place I ever felt love in, is ruined. I can’t move on ever if I’m stuck there. I had a spot you know, the dock behind the house. It was mine and it brought me solace and peace when I needed it, when I had a bad day, when Jackson and I fought, and it was my own spot. But I can’t seem to bring myself near it anymore. It’s where I figured out something was wrong that day and I honestly want nothing to do with it. So we are going to go through and figure out what to keep, what to give away and then we are going to put it for sale.” I finished, half surprised I told him about the spot and the other half surprised I hadn’t begun sobbing.

  “Well, I like to hear that you have a plan and a fight still in you. It’s nice to see you coming back; I do think you should go once more to that spot at some point before you move. Whenever that is, it might help you to come to terms with something but I won’t force it. So let’s go back home and start, one room at a time right?” Ian said putting his hand out for me to grab.

  I took hold and looked up at him, “One room at a time.”

  Part Two:

  Anger

  “We’ll fall,

  We’ll try,

  to do our best but

  I’ll love you all the while.”

  -Michael Grubbs, “Light Outside”

  I was pissed, like I had gotten a million times over the past view days. This is bullshit and frankly I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks. It’s impossible to feel any differently. How would you like feeling the societal pressure to “move on” and “grasp” what has happened? No you wouldn’t and I can tell you it can be said without any words spoken. I can feel everyone around me thinking what is it going to be time, will it ever be time, will she every feel different. You know what; it’s none of your damn business. I don’t know what the “proper” thing to do here is but I don’t care.

  Packing sucks and anyone who tells you any differently has been lying to you for your whole life. It’s not fun and especially when someone dies, as in the love of your life, it sucks even worse. “Anything else you want from this room?” Ian asked taking the last box of things I actually needed and I found myself sitting in the middle of the floor with piles of random things everywhere. “Yah that should be it. But you have to promise to keep me focused until I get through the rest of this crap.” I said picking a coaster up and throwing it in one of the hundreds of trash bags that sat in the room. We were messy people but apparently we had a lot of stuff. That’s one thing you don’t realize is how much stuff two people can have. We take everything little for granted and trying to pick things to throw out and to keep, how much to have to keep. “Ian, I’m overwhelmed, let’s try doing this a different way. You pick something up and I have to immediately decide to keep it or throw it away.” I said pulling myself up from the floor and sitting next to him on the bed. This really seemed like the best option because throwing stuff out on a regular occasion wasn’t something fun so having to make that decision when you’re holding onto things for sheer memory wasn’t any easier.

  He was really something to be doing this with me. We’d gone through most of the house, starting at the ground floor and moving upstairs. There was this room and my bedroom next, and that was it. I think I was un-consciously leaving Jackson and my bedroom for last and finding small spaces to do before that dreaded feet. There were too many memories, yet still not enough made. There should have been millions more. So many lost opportunities, missed moments, time lost and going through every other room was still a reminder of what my life has become. Sleepless nights, conversations had, love made, desires created, fantasies fed, days spent between the sheets, secrets whispered, too many things to deal with. It was the room where it could take forever and the realness would set back in. I was doing okay for the past week. Great actually and not feeling guilty about it, Lindsay had come and gone as much as she could over the past week and it was a lot easier to have Ian here. He worked from his computer anyway so I always had someone with me. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do when we ran out of rooms and he had to go back to his life, but that was something I didn’t want to think about so I didn’t.

  Someone once said “We never know how strongly we cling to objects until they are taken away, and he who thinks that he is attached to nothing, is frequently grandly mistaken, being bound to a thousand things, unknown to himself.” Well they were dead on and it’s amazing how much you don’t think about something until you can’t have it again. Ian got up and switched spots with me, shaking me out of my thoughts. It was a bad habit of mine but it had worsened as I didn’t have much else to think about. “I think that’s a great idea. Alright where to start okay how about this,” I immediately answered and it went like this for almost the rest of the room. When someone else is holding what you consider to be your prize possessions and you actually step back and think about need over want, it’s a lot easier. Hours later and another room down, I was feeling okay still, better even because I didn’t associate everything he had picked up with something that NEEDED to stay. It was easier on me both physically and emoti
onally and I was starting to feel like there was some sort of progress happening. Maybe those dreaded steps weren’t melded together anymore and I was getting to that whole acceptance thing, or way ahead of myself, it was one of the two. “Well I’d say this was a great idea. We’re almost done, only one room left and I promise we can do that whenever you’re ready. Let’s finish this up and I’ll head down to order food.” Ian said grabbing the last few things, and something made me stand up. “What’s wrong?” he said looking at me with a scared look. “I think you deserve a real home cooked meal, it’s the absolute least I can do for you, throw the rest of this stuff out and I’ll start on dinner. I warn you it’s been a little while so I might be rusty with the cooking.” Ian just laughed, stood up and hugged me. I took a deep breath inhaling the smell of clean incredible man. Even Jackson didn’t smell like this and it was when I closed my eyes and sunk into the hug that I heard something. “Anna it’s okay to feel,” I whipped my head around and stepped back. “Anna, are you okay?” Ian asked grabbing my arms “Yah I’m fine, meet you downstairs.” I said leaving and running outside for a bit of fresh air. I closed my eyes tight again hoping to hear his voice,

  “Jackson, are you still there?”

  “Always, and it’s okay, I’m so proud of you. You’re doing amazing.” I immediately started to cry. I couldn’t stop the tears and it felt like I was back at square one.

  “Don’t cry babe, I’m here as long as you need me.” I didn’t know what to do beside nod, which wasn’t the smartest seeing as I didn’t know how this worked or if he could see what I had just done.